By Bob Halstead (1993)
Yesterday, after my wife beat me over the head with an old snorkel for dripping salt water on the new carpet, I got to thinking about the liberated woman (wopersyn?) and the role of the housewife in the 1990’s.
Pretty soon I was thinking about sex, which is a weakness of mine and seems to happen every time I think about women. Anyway, suddenly, it struck me – that is an idea, not the snorkel again – there is a gigantic loophole in the Health and Safety in the Workplace legislation!! You see most sex takes place in the home, but housewives WORK there, so the home is actually a workplace and SEX is taking place IN THE WORKPLACE.
This is not just an office problem! Now as we know, in these sad days of HIV/Aids, sex is becoming more and more unhealthy and unsafe so it is quite obvious that legislation is called for, after all the housewife has a DUTY OF CARE to her husband, and, who knows, some housewives might actually be enjoying themselves and not realising the risks they are taking. I do not know how the Department missed it! Anyway, it will not take long to draft new legislation; they can use the DIVING legislation as a guide:
You must always have sex with a buddy, either gender is acceptable however solo sex is NOT allowed.
Buddies should check each other’s gear carefully and make sure both are turned on fully.
Buddies must start and finish the sex together and it is inexcusable for one to surface before the other has finished.
For safe sex a snorkel must always be worn.
Sex is allowed no more than four times in any 24-hour period.
All sex must be recorded on a log sheet. Details of place; depth; time; buddy; equipment used; surface interval; repetitive group and any unusual or interesting sights recorded.
Government appointed sex inspectors, called “Peepers”, may demand to see the log sheets at any time.
Before learning sex, a complete medical examination must be conducted by a specially trained sex doctor and anyone prone to fainting; asthma; heart failure and dancing (sex often leads to dancing) be declared “unfit for sex” and ordered to abstain.
Only those qualified in “Open Air Sex” will be allowed to have sex outside the home. This is because of the added stress and risk caused by inclement weather; the hand brake; sand; office furniture and possible discovery by casual passers by.
Those wishing to participate in High Altitude and Cave sex must have Advanced qualifications.
All those involved in Commercial Sex must have additional qualifications as “Sex Rescuer” or “Sex Master/Mistess) which includes experience with quick release knots, giant strides from balconies and sliding down ropes. Standby professionals at union rates must be on hand with Oxygen kits whenever commercial sex takes place.
Get the idea?
Well you probably think I am just being silly, but you know they called Gallileo, and Christopher Columbus silly too. And, come to think of it they called John Cleese silly in that classic film on fish identification “A Fish Called Wanda”. But you know who I think is silly?
It is all those readers who think this is a joke.
After all, they did it to diving, didn’t they?!